


No More Mr. Rice Guy

by awesomecookies



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Ash cannot cook, BBC rice video, Cooking, Crack, Fluff, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Horrible murder of rice, Humor, M/M, Pining, Pre-Relationship, RIP, Roommates, Swearing, Yes that one - Freeform, rice, you know which one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2020-08-07
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25768909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/awesomecookies/pseuds/awesomecookies
Summary: "I'm cooking rice. I'm just following what the video did." Ash wrinkled his nose at Sing's reaction. He poured water on it just like how he remembered the lady on the video did. Then, he set the pot on the stove and turned the gas on."We have a measuring cup for the rice! It's the plastic--shit." Sing was even more horrified at the events unfolding before him. "Ayiah! You didn't even wash it! The starch!""I'll wash it later." Ash was starting to get annoyed with Sing's reaction. He knew what he was doing alright?"Wash it la--Shorter!" Sing ran a hand through his hair. "Oh god. Shorter! Get this white American off the kitchen!"Ash shrugged. He memorizes the steps from that video, so he couldn't be doing anything wrong. It was BBC for goodness sake. He poked at the rice and saw that it was a little soggy enough and prepared a strainer. He turned off the stove and took the pot."Oh my god. Oh my gods. What are you doing now?" Sing shrieked. "That's not yet done cooking!""I'm going to wash the rice." Ash walked to the sink with his strainer.Sing ran away, yelling, unable to take in more.
Relationships: Ash Lynx & Okumura Eiji, Ash Lynx & Shorter Wong, Ash Lynx & Sing Soo-Ling, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji, Lee Yut-Lung & Okumura Eiji, Lee Yut-Lung & Sing Soo-Ling, Okumura Eiji & Shorter Wong, Okumura Eiji & Sing Soo-Ling
Comments: 72
Kudos: 207





	No More Mr. Rice Guy

**Author's Note:**

> No this is another crack fic hahahaahah I mean you know me by now. It's been a month but I'm still thinking about the poor rice agshshsjs anyway!

Ash wasn’t usually the romantic type. He didn’t do romantic gestures, no. That was not him. He was already cynical with the idea of romance, averse from affection, always so guarded in the face of love and whatever emotional shit he needed to go through.

But that was before. Ash had started to heal from his past. He had the support of his friends, got the help that he needed, and now he had Eiji. He was thankful for the presence of his friend. He was thankful to have him in his life. When he woke up every day he would see his face in the bed next to him when he’s lucky enough to catch him before he wakes up, being the early riser that he was.

Ash loved waking up before Eiji most of all. He enjoyed seeing his vulnerable face in the clutches of sleep, dark lashes fanned on his cheeks which Ash was tempted to count. His lips parted, and sometimes drool leaked on pillow, hair messed up like a fluffy bird's nest, but oh Ash loved him. 

Yes, Ash loved his roommate Eiji Okumura. He loved him so much. 

But Ash was not an early riser, so this sight was often rare, regretfully, and though it was tempting, he was not about to wake up early anytime. He can stare at his roommate at night anyway, with him always falling asleep early. 

Most often, Ash would wake up to the sight of Eiji in the kitchen, apron on and already cooking breaking, or brunch. And then Ash would peer over his shoulder and try to tickle him out of his concentration.

Eiji would then scold him before sighing with exasperation. Then they would eat breakfast. Often, Eiji indulged Ash with American breakfast after he complained about Eiji's natto. He has yet to be forced to eat another spoonful of it, and yes Ash loved Eiji but he was not eating another one of those. 

Either way, Ash was not a romantic person and he wasn't used to making grand gestures of affection, but he wanted to try for Eiji. So one of his ideas was to cook him a meal. He wanted to impress him with his skills and then confess over that romantic dinner he made by himself. 

Not natto, not that godforsaken dish, no. Just anything casual, especially with Eiji always the one cooking for them. Ash wanted to return the sentiment. 

"And you've come to the right guy!" 

Shorter beamed at him while they stayed at Chang Dai's kitchen. They open late at the weekends and Ash was hoping to practice cooking there, fearing Eiji might see his mess if he did it at home.

"Let's go woo your lover boy!" Shorter whistled. "The fastest way to a man's stomach is through his heart!" 

"Isn't that uhh...the fastest way to a man's heart is through his stomach?" Ash may have started to regret his choices, but his determination won over.

"Not unless if you're talking to Hannibal Lecter." A boy piped up from the table. He was fiddling on his phone and absolutely unbothered by them.

"Why is Sing with us again?" Ash raised a brow. 

"I'm babysitting. And I can't baby sit both of you." Shorter laughed.

"Hey!" Sing spluttered. "I just wanted to hang out. Nobody is babysitting anybody." 

"It's okay Sing. You're still and always be a baby to me." Shorter beamed at him. 

Sing's face turned pink as he mumbled. "I wish you took me seriously sometimes." The pouting on his face simply made him look more like a child at this point. 

"Anyway! What do you want to try first?" Shorter rubbed his hands together. 

"Shouldn't you be getting ready for opening?" Ash snorted at Shorter's enthusiasm. He was more excited about this than he was. 

"Yeah, but my white ass bestfriend is finally going to cook to seduce his roommate and finally get his pining to an end! I need to witness this!" Shorter cackled.

"As much as I love how supportive you are, Nadia will kill us if you don't do your shit right now." Ash snickered. "Besides, I've been watching some videos and I think I want to try making egg fried rice."

"Oh yes, fried rice is pretty easy to make. You sure you can do it yourself?" 

Ash laughed. "It's fried rice. How hard could it be?" 

"Alright dude. I'll start with some of the other dishes. Use whatever you need. Sing, keep an eye on him will you?" Shorter went off with a cutting board and a giant knife.

"Yeah, I'll do that. You can count on me." Sing nodded at Shorter with reassurance before going back to his phone. 

Well, Ash had some work to do. He started getting a pot ready and took a tea cup of rice from the sack on the side. 

"Woah woah! That's a tea cup! What are you doing with a tea cup?" Sing flailed around at what Ash was doing. Ash already poured the grains on the pot though.

"I'm cooking rice. I'm just following what the video did." Ash wrinkled his nose at Sing's reaction. He poured water on it just like how he remembered the lady on the video did. Then, he set the pot on the stove and turned the gas on.

"We have a measuring cup for the rice! It's the plastic--shit." Sing was even more horrified at the events unfolding before him. "Ayiah! You didn't even wash it! The starch!"

"I'll wash it later." Ash was starting to get annoyed with Sing's reaction. He knew what he was doing alright?

"Wash it la--Shorter!" Sing ran a hand through his hair. "Oh god. Shorter! Get this white American off the kitchen!" 

Ash shrugged. He memorizes the steps from that video, so he couldn't be doing anything wrong. It was BBC for goodness sake. He poked at the rice and saw that it was a little soggy enough and prepared a strainer. He turned off the stove and took the pot.

"Oh my god. Oh my gods. What are you doing now?" Sing shrieked. "That's not yet done cooking!"

"I'm going to wash the rice." Ash walked to the sink with his strainer.

Sing ran away, yelling, unable to take in more. 

Ash shrugged before doing what he needed to do. At least, until someone decided to interrupt yet again.

"Aslan Jade Callenreese! What the fuck are you doing?!"

Shorter was yelling at him in rapid Mandarin, too fast for him to grasp. Sing was next to him, looking at him with mortification. 

"What? I'm cooking rice? It's what the video told me to do." He turned the tap on and washed the rice.

Sing gagged and Shorter looked like his soul had ascended his body. Shorter walked over to him and moaned. "You don't use colander! Why do you have to use colander?! How could you fuck up rice so much?! It's fucking rice!" 

"It's still edible, I'm not yet done. That BBC video said I still need to fry it." Ash snapped at him. "Trust me on this."

"You trust a BBC lady over your Chinese best friend who's probably made rice since he was three years old? We have a rice cooker! What are you doing?!" Shorter tugged at his hair. 

"Dude, I've made Chao Fan since I was seven and I don't even usually cook. How bad could you fuck it up?" Sing covered his mouth, still in shock. But it seemed like was documenting everything with his phone. 

"I'm doing it my way guys. I think Eiji would still eat it." Ash's face was starting to heat up. It's just rice. There's many ways to cook rice, right?

"Oh hell no, the boy isn't going to eat that if he finds out how badly you fucked up the rice. Your rice is soppy as fuck. All Asians know you fucked up if your rice is still soppy. This isn't fucking congee for goodness sake!" Shorter's outburst would have been comical if it wasn't directed at Ash. 

"Eiji said he's going to whoop your ass for the blasphemy. What kind of an idiot would make rice that way? His words not mine." Sing's fingers were tapping at lightning speed on his screen. "Oh yeah, he also said he's on his way." 

"You're texting Eiji?!" Ash spluttered. 

"Technically I was texting Yut-Lung, who Eiji happened to be with at the moment. They saw your sorry excuse of a rice and he bolted." Sing glanced at his phone. "Yut-Lung said you have committed a war crime and should be hanged...that's to sum it up at least. Oh yeah and Eiji says he's ten minutes away."

"Fuck." Ash put the pot in the counter. "I should hurry up, yeah?"

"Eiji said not to let you do anything else." Sing typed on his screen. "But at this point, I can't really see how bad you can go. You have two angry Asians looking at you with disgust and another one upcoming that's about to whoop your ass like a Chinese mom and her trusty broom." 

"Well, it can't be that bad." Ash puffed his cheeks, torn between waiting for Eiji and continuing. But if Eiji was coming here, he might as well get him to taste what he made. "Shorter, why don't you help me?"

"Now you want my help?" Shorter grumbled. "I'm not touching no soppy rice, man. You're on your own. That thing is going to curse me and all my descendants." 

Sing clicked his tongue. "As Shorter said, it's a dishonor. Dishonor to your whole family. Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow--"

"I don't have a cow. And stop quoting Mulan." Ash huffed while he grabbed the eggs and whisked it into scrambled eggs. Then he started chopping the other ingredient, albeit really slowly. There wasn't much complaining on both sides so he must be doing something right to their standards. He was on his way to add all ingredients after getting a pan from the rack when the kitchen door slammed open with a panting Eiji still flushed and sweaty. 

He stared at Ash with a look of horror and betrayal, as if he took all of Eiji's norinori shirts and cut them all out. And while Ash had given that thought a little consideration, he wasn't ever going to do that to Eiji's weird furby shirts, so he felt the stare was a little unwarranted. It did successfully make him feel almost guilty. 

"Ash." Eiji started murmuring in Japanese. 

"I literally can't understand you Eiji, but I feel like you're also dissing Ash's pathetic rice so I'm in with you." Shorter snorted. 

"I can't watch him murder good food." Eiji's face contorted. "My mom wouldn't even let you in my family if you do that."

"Well he's already half way through, might as well let him finish what he started." Sing crossed his arms. He said this, but he looked equally doubtful. 

"Well, fine. I'll finish this and have all of you taste it." He started the fire and poured all the ingredients on the pan. Then he mixed it all together. 

"Is that the rice?" Eiji's eyes were full of sadness as he asked this.

"That's it." Shorter sighed.

"Why would you use a pan for your friend rice? There's a very good wok for you to use." Eiji despaired. 

Ash pouted. "It's what BBC lady told me to do!" 

"Fuck BBC lady. You have three Asians telling you, you done and fucked it up." Shorter whined.

"Oh god all of you shut up." Ash bit his lip. It was a little more difficult with Eiji watching him, but he somehow managed with trembling hands and a pink face. He took a spoon and served it in three plates.

"Aslan, holy fuck don't do that!" Eiji yelped while Shorter plucked the spoon from his hand and handed him a wooden ladle.

"Oh shit man, Nadia is going to kill me. You never use metal on metal! That's a nonstick pan! She's gonna disown me."

Eiji shook his head. "Oh Ash, scratch that pan and you're gonna end up on the streets. Many chemicals on a scratched pan. Your ass is gonna get whooped. Twenty beatings from the wooden broom." 

Sing clicked his tongue. "An hour on your knees on salt if you're lucky. Maybe just the belt if your parents are merciful."

Ash was listening to them with horror. What the fuck was up with Asian households? And they're all talking about it casually too. "Okay my bad. No metal on metal. Anyway, take a taste." 

The three of them stared at the plates before then with doubt on their expressions. It still looked like fried rice. Heck, it was edible but Eiji looked like he wanted to cry when he picked up his spoon. 

He took some and shoved it in his mouth. Ash couldn't describe what he looked like. He spent so long contemplating what to say.

"....it's edible." Eiji began. "It's very....flavorless. How do I say it? Bland." 

Shorter chewed some of it as well after Eiji's comment. "It's too healthy. In a very western way. I think I'm starting to get why white people were hunting for spices like crazy. I too, would become an asshole after living in the bitter cold with only potatoes and bland animal guts for meals." 

"All that colonization and whites never even learned to use them spices." Sing sighed. "The rice is so soppy. This is worse than failing math in an Asian household. You fuck up rice, you worse than a fuck up."

"You have BBC lady and Ash's colander stunt to thank for that." Shorter snickered. 

"If you serve me this in the morning, I would think you hate me. This is a sacrilege to me an all my ancestors." Eiji said this but he continued to eat the fried rice anyway. "Is this how you feel when you eat natto? I won't ever let you eat natto again, just never cook rice again like this."

So Maybe Ash had fucked up really badly if Eiji was swearing off natto for a lifetime. Ash cringed. 

"Look man, we're gonna have to teach you how to cook fried rice the Asian way." Shorter grimaced while finishing the food on his plate. 

Eiji nodded. "I agree. We need to remedy this." He wiped his mouth over his meal. 

"You can all stop eating it." Ash groaned. He took a spoonful of his fried rice. It was a little soppy, but it was still okay.

Sing shook his head. "Rule one of eating in a Chinese household. Never waste food. Food don't grown on trees."

"It does actually." Eiji gulped down a glass of water. "It's the labor from our honorable farmers and the months it took to harvest very single grain of rice and you're just going to waste it?" 

"My yéyé would start lecturing if you leave something on your plate, and you don't want that." Shorter shuddered. "Anyway! Fried rice! Let's actually do this properly." 

Eiji jumped off the stool. "Yes, first off use a rice cooker for goodness sake." He pulled Ash towards the sack. 

"You measure rice with this plastic measuring cup okay? No teacup in making rice. Plastic measuring cup." Shorter took two cups of rice and placed it on the pot. 

"We use old leftover rice from the previous night for this," Eiji told Ash. "But you're gonna learn how to cook rice properly so pay attention."

Shorter poured water on the pot. "Okay white boy, you wash the starch of the rice before cooking okay? Not after. No pouring on colander bullshit." He rinsed the rice three times. 

"Now measure the water. Water makes or breaks the rice. Too much it's soppy, too little it's crunchy. You want soft fluffy rice." Eiji dipped his finger on the pot. "Okay that's good enough."

"Wait what?" Ash paused. "What happened?"

"Finger measure. Use your fingers. Its the finger line ratio look." Eiji dipped his and on the pot and got it out. 

"I still don't get it." Ash frowned. 

"Ah! If your Asian ancestors said the water is okay, that means the water is okay. They'll whisper it in your ear and you'll know. Eiji will teach you later." Shorter took the pot and placed it on the rice cooker. He turned it on.

"Okay that's it. Just wait for the rice to finish. No draining action. Literally keep the lid on until it finishes." Eiji said.

"That's it? That's how you cook rice?"

"That's literally it man. I don't know what the heck you expected. I literally mean it's the easiest thing you can do." Shorter explained. 

"On to the other steps." Eiji continued. "Alright go beat three eggs."

"But the recipe says two?"

Eiji stared at him with all seriousness. "Fuck the recipe. You're going to have a good experience with egg fried rice now. Now more eggs equates to more happiness." 

So Ash did as he was told and beat three eggs.

"Never use pan for fried rice. Especially the expensive non-stick pan. Use wok. Wok makes life easier." Shorter set the big black metal on the stove. 

"Put salt on the egg." Eiji dropped pinches of salt in the egg. "Also use the same wok for the egg with the rice. No need for different pots and pans. Less dishes to wash."

Ash stared in amazement at the way Eiji and Shorter worked in synch. Eiji took the chopping board and minced the ingredients with lightning speed. Shorter did the same.

"Garlic is your friend. Put more garlic than needed." Eiji's hands worked deftly. "Actually, who's stopping you from adding more spices? More spices is self care." 

"This is egg fried rice and not our specialty Chao fan so you'll get basic shit." Shorter pointed out while he cut some carrots, ginger and some other spices.

"Rice is done!" Sing set the fresh rice on the counter. 

"Great. Now add the garlic." Shorter ordered and Ash did as he was told. A very nice sizzling sound greeted them whole Eiji helped Ash add the ingredients one by one. Onions, carrots, peas. 

"Then the rice." Eiji showed him the output. "See that? Fluffy white rice. All done by rice cooker. It's soft and warm, something that your parents would be proud of." He said before pouring it to the wok among the other things.

"Okay then you add the egg. It mixes with the rice." Shorter breathed in the scent of what was cooking. "Ah I want tofu on it now. Tofu and meat. Maybe even seafood. Shrimp is nice." 

"We add plums on fried rice." Eiji shared. "My mom would let me help add them as a kid." He finished chopping the last of the ingredients. 

"Shouldn't you measure these spices?" Ash eyed all the things they were putting into the wok. Eiji just sprinkled a lot of pepper. 

"We don't measure here. It's all instinct until the spirit of your Nǎinai posses you and tells you to stop." Shorter snorted and poured soy sauce into it. No measuring cup. He just poured it like crazy. Jesus, fingers for the rice's water and nothing for the other ingredients. Why are they like this?

And then Shorter put the bottle down and took another bottle with a more sticky brown sauce. 

"I think that's enough soy sauce."

"It's oyster sauce. Learn the spices man." Shorter had once again poured like crazy. 

Eiji stared at Ash seriously, like he's about to impart some kind of grave secret. "Now the secret ingredient of food is MSG. MSG is king of flavor. When you're happy, MSG. When you're sad? MSG." 

Shorter snickered. "When you just had a baby, put MSG." 

Ash wanted to laugh. What the hell were they talking about?" 

"Come. Put it. Feel the fried rice. Feel the MSG." Eiji pulled him close, one arm wrapped around his back and the other holding his hand as he handed the bottle of the seasoning. "Go on. _Tak tak tak_ it there. Chant it. Feel it. Sprinkle it over the rice."

Now Ash felt a little ridiculous, but Eiji's face was close his, and he was also having fun. Anyway, he did just that. What he felt was an excessive amount of seasoning was apparently normal to these people. 

"Okay now imagine you're tossing a salad, except do that on the rice. You want it loose. Mix it. Stir fry it." Eiji gave him the wooden ladle, still not letting go of him. 

Ash had to admit though. It did look more appreciate. And Eiji had already turned off the stove but had yet to ask Ash to stop mixing. 

"It needs some spring onions." Eiji peered over the food.

"Spring onions it is." Shorter immediately started chopping a stalk and threw it on the mixture. They were very much off recipe now. But Eiji was smiling wide with excitement as he plated the fried rice on a plate, pushing it to Ash's hands.

"Come one try it. See the difference." 

Of course Ash couldn't actually say no to that, so he picked up a spoon and tried it. 

Now Ash absolutely understood what they meant. That fried rice of his was shit. He did fuck up so badly. This was way supperior. 

"Good right?" Eiji laughed.

"Okay. I got it. This is way better than mine." Ash conceded. Eiji grinned at him. He took Ash's spoon and took a taste for himself. 

"Mhmm. Good. We can do better but if you serve this to me in the morning, I probably wouldn't immediately think you're trying to kill me." He glanced at Ash with a big smile. 

"So you think I passed enough for your standards?" Ash quirked a brow. 

"Ha!" Eiji exclaimed. But then he turned serious. "No, from now on I'll be the one teaching you to cook. Clearly leaving you unsupervised can be a disaster. I'm teaching you to cook. You'll end up scratching my pan, and you'll mix up all the other stuff in our kitchen."

"Whoops. There it goes." Shorter snorted. "The Asian fury." 

"Eiji has this Asian mom vibe." Sing piped up. 

"No kidding. Ash looked like a kicked puppy when he entered their apartment with his shoes on and Eiji yelled at him for tracking dirt all over his freshly mopped floor. I thought Ash was going to get smacked with the mop." Shorter grinned. "He's like Nadia honestly. The number of times she threw a slipper at me." 

"Hey, I'm no mom!" Eiji pouted.

"Does Asian moms include yelling at you for sleeping till late noon and dragging you're off to the bathroom?" Ash piped up. 

Sing and Shorter answered in synch. "Yes." 

"Definitely a mom then." Ash laughed. 

"Oh quiet all of you." Eiji's face turned red. "I'm going back to Yue. Take back some of those fried rice later." 

"Why did you come running Eiji?" Shorter grinned. To which Eiji responded with a glare and a pink face. He took the a take out box and filled it with the fried rice and a chopstick before leaving. 

Ash wasn't sure what happened. 

Sing slid next to Ash. "So not only did you fail to impress your crush, he ended up scolding you and now you're forced to learn how to cook with him. How does that feel?"

That's the thing though, this wasn't entirely a loss. This way, he had more time to spend with Eiji in the kitchen, and Ash could feed him with whatever creation they decided to make. There'll be more time to confess then.

Ash laughed. "Honestly. I think I just lucked out."

**Author's Note:**

> This is self indulgent of course. Of course the title has to be a pun ahahaha and also if you haven't seen the video I was talking about 
> 
> https://youtu.be/53me-ICi_f8
> 
> Beware though...it can make an Asian cringe hahaha
> 
> Hahaha but a comment would be nice


End file.
